A Geekish View of Life

1) On the drive in I passed a large Peterbuilt rig pulling one of those long flat trailers. The funny bit is that the driver had lashed to the middle of the trailer a toy tractor! I wish I had a digital camera so I could show you what a funny image it was.

2) A girl wearing those pants with text writen across the butt. Her pants said “Juicy”.

Be warned. This post will have word and images that are derogatory to myself. If it makes you angry … skip it and read another day.

Welcome to another episode of WTF Were You Thinking. I’m your host Frontal Lobe. Our guest today is a strange case even for us. Caleb, tell us a little about this.

Caleb: Well Front. May I call you Front?

Front: If it will help.

Caleb: Well there’s not much to say. I seek to negate my existence.

Front: Isn’t that logically impossible?

Caleb: Well technically yes. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. See the way I look at it someone must win and someone must lose. If that is the balance then I can statistically improve the chance of winning for someone else if I lose.

Front: Uh ..

Caleb: Stay with me. If I were to get into a fight and were to actively lose, then their probability of winning would increase. Right?

Front: Well … There has to be a violation of logic here somewhere.

Caleb: That’s what makes it so great. There isn’t a logical flaw. Because if I fight to lose and they fight to win then by definition their chance of winning increases.

Front: But that doesn’t seem right ….

Caleb: *shrug* Meh. It’s something of a gray area. I often have a weird little fantasy about getting into a fight and getting the s~t beat out of me. I mean to the point that I can’t see, can’t move and I am having trouble breathing. Beaten to the point of having no feeling but the pain. It is astonishingly refreshing. I have also thought of not fighting at all but of just beating the s~t out of myself. Just me myself and my warped imagination coming up with new ways to inflict pain on myself.

Front: You mean suicide?

Caleb: No no. I couldn’t commit suicide. It’s messy and I don’t have the guts to do it. My goal is not to end my life but to remove it from circulation. Annihilation of self. Besides if one removes oneself from the population does that person still matter? Do they even count as a person anymore? Should they be ‘put out of their misery’? Is it even misery if it is chosen?

Front: That is the most f~ked up logic I have ever heard!

Caleb: *shrug* Meh.

Front: You have a problem friend.

Caleb: Would I be on this show if I didn’t have a problem?

Front: How the hell did you get past the screeners? They are supposed to keep people like you off the stage and into therapy.

Caleb: Aw. They thought it’d be fun. Besides. How often do you really get people who fit the title of “WTF Were You Thinking?”

Front: Normally we just have people who have done stupid things.

Caleb: And I’m not stupid?

Front: Oddly enough … no. You have a calculated means to your self destruction.

Caleb: I prefer desolation. It sounds better.

Front: Okay folks. That’s all the time we have for today-

Caleb: But I haven’t even gotten to my self image!

Front: We’re done!

– End transmission –

This has been fictional … but only mostly. It’s reason number … uh thousand something why I should not be alone with my thoughts … and why driving alone can be … interesting. Gives one lots of time to think. Welcome to my warped world. Step one is admiting you have a problem right? Well … I have never heard what step two is … Hm… maybe that’s partly why I’m as messed up as I am today.

I don’t suffer from depression … enjoy ever minute of it. I’m sure all of you reading, all two of you … since I can’t count myself since I write this drivel, are wondering what is wrong with me. I would tell you … but I’m not sure myself. One might say self esteem but how does one lose something that you’re not sure you had in the first place? Feelings of depression and isolation are natural … maybe I’m just on my cycle. I seem to have one. Junior year of HS is, upon reflection the first time I remember any symptoms, then my year at Academy of Art is number two … that’s about … four to five years and now I’m … hm … it’s only been three years since the last lapse. Not sure what that means.

I am sure that my girl friend is worried about me. Don’t worry, please. I am really okay. Well mostly okay. I’m not going anywhere. Like I said I am not about to commit suicide. If I was really going to do that … I’d have done it already. Since the time at the Academy was my lowest point yet. This moment will pass. Will I be happy again? I am. I just slip a little some days. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t want to hurt you. And I know this worries you … which hurts you … which makes me feel guilty. I guess that’s why I have tried to avoid this sort of situation in my life. I want to love and be loved … but I don’t know how … I only understand how to destroy. I’ve gotten really good at it too. But then again I’ve been at it for several years. No, that doesn’t make it right. Now I am in a situation where my passage of self desolation is now affecting others. Not that others weren’t affected before but I was able to keep almost all if it too myself. My little hole against the world. It may be a dark, dank, smelly, pathetic little hole … but it does keep me in relative safety. If nothing else it is familar. Boys seek familiarity … even if it is hurtful. When you read Rasing Cain[amazon.com] this may become more clear. Actually I’m looking forward to loaning you that book. I’m very interested in your views on it.

Well this post is long and pathetic. I’ll stop now and spare you all the pain of reading this.

I got to spend four, count them, 4 days with my lovely girlfriend this week. ^__________________________^ Which is always a good thing since this semester we haven’t had nearly enough time together. ::sigh:: Sorry about that. I’m also sorry that I have been remiss in keeping this thing up to date. I get home and basically crash. Blah. I am real-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ly looking forward to the end of this semester.

I enjoy spending so much time with my lady. I wish I could do it more often. I like getting inside her head, understanding what she’s thinking. Also, next time you come over, Lady, I’m not going to let you get away with “not much” as an answer to “What’cha thinking?” Fair warning. Besides I want you to feel safe to tell me anything … even if it means waking me up to do it. Because you are worth it. I guess we’re both getting used to having someone care about us that much.

That said tonight was really great. We went for a long walk and had a nice chat. Although it felt like I was doing most of the talking … and was being rather a downer. But please don’t ‘worry’ about me. I’ll be okay. My forward motion looks more like really horrible stop motion animation but over time I will take steps. As halting and faltering as they may be. Still it was a pleasant night out and it was nice to talk to her, as always. I look forward to doing it again.

Well it’s been fun but I have morning shift tomorrow. Take care, all.

Why doesn’t Auto Save work?! Gah! Lost work! I hate that. ::mutter grumble whine:: ::type type type:: ::curse:: ::type type type::

School is winding down. Thank goodness … but that also means that the stress is going up. Thankfully this time I have a nice simple idea for my final painting. It is only one panel. I still need to run the idea by my painting teacher to see what she thinks. But if all goes well it will be nice and simple. What a relief.

This has been a pretty good couple of days. I got to be with My Lady two days in a row! w00t! We went to The Incredibles last night. It is such a good movie. Everyone needs to go see it. Comic book history buffs should get a kick out of the powers. The design work is beautiful! Really really well done, beginning to end.

Now I’m writing a POS English paper. Blah.

Hurray! The Blogger support people rock. I submit a problem and they fixed it. In like a day or two. Sweet deal! Thanks Steve, he’s the guy who signed the e-mail telling me that everything was groovy. So now that they are up. Feel free to tell me what you think … if you think anything of my items.

Ya know … now that commenting is working I may even write a few things that are about discussion or Q & A. Well that remains in the future. Feel free to drop me a comment. I check my blogs almost every night.

Take care all.

No it’s not as philosophical as it sounds. It’s just a practical question. I’d like to know how it all ends up? And why I can’t get as much time with my girlfriend as I would like. It is like we see eachother every day at class … but we don’t get to really be together. I’d rather like more of that. I guess that’s one of the side effects of haveing a relationship over distance. Granted it’s only like 54 miles but it’s still a 45 min drive when there’s no traffic. Which usually means planning it into the day. Plus the cost of gas is a money hole out here. ::sigh:: Nah. I’m not really bitter … but having more time to cuddle would be nice. It’s like we get it so ‘rarely’ that we feel we need to make to most of it since it doesn’t come that often. Which is fun and all … but it does take some of the ‘relaxing’ out of it. I guess we just need to plan some time where we can take a moment to relax. Take a breath. Maybe talk uninterupted for a few … days. Maybe I’m idealistic but … it sounds like fun to me.

But since I havent’ updated too recently I had better recap.

• Well the elections happend. For better for worse, George get’s another shot. He may suprise us … and then again he may not. Who knows. I just hope we have better choices come next election.
• I found out that next semester is my last semester … baring unforseen circumstances. I only have 6 more units (that’s 2 classes) required to graduate! w00t!
• it looks like my current painting will be done on time. This will be the first one of the semester to be ‘finished’ and done on time. ::crosses fingers:: Here’s to hoping.
• I am unstuck in Zelda: the windwaker.
• I may be deveopling just enough guts to finally start my comic. ::crosses fingers:: All those who care (and read this) pray that the guts stick. I’m so tired of being scared of this stuff.
• My girlfriend’s new paintings are damned exciting. I can’t wait to see them. Zelda … OLD school Zelda memories. Makes me all nestagic … and makes me want to play the Old games. ::sniff:: I never actually got to play all the way through the Zelda games. My GameCube is the first Nintendo I have actually ever owned … well that played more than one game at least. I remember when I was in China in ‘89 I got a Mario vs. Donky Kong hocky game. It was like an advanced Game ‘n Watch game. But it had two players and it had these rad little controlers that stored away in the system. ::sigh:: It was one of the memories of games that really stands out in my mind.

Hm…. that makes me wonder. I wonder what would happen if I set up a video camera and taped myself and my friends playing and used that as source for a painting or two. Instead of the game itself, like my lovely lady is doing, but on the comunity of people who play ………………….. But I’d hate to be treading on her good idea. We’ll see.

That aside, I am hoping to get things going on the comic during winter break. I know, I know. I have said that before. But this time I mean it. Win lose or draw … something will be up by the end of Christmas break. I hope…

I have never voted with such a heavy heart before. That and as the title suggests … I am making a less than popular choice. Why? ::sigh:: Because the alternative was not compelling enough for me. I know, “Anyone but Dubuah.” Yet I didn’t see one evil as overwhelmingly more evil than the other. They are bascially the same sade of grey with a differnt pattern. This was not an easy decision. And I know it will come back to haunt me. It feels weird to vote the opposite of the person you care most about. I can’t say that it feels right. But then againg voting for the other guy didn’t feel right either. And the election is too important not to vote. Yet some how I feel wrong for trying. I feel so detached and uninformed that I hardly feel qualified to make any sort of call. ::sigh:: ::slump:: Well …. the next four years will be interesting … win, lose or draw. ::raises glass:: Here’s to having it all work out somehow. God, bless the outcome … whatever it may be. May the best man win. And may we all be spared of our own stupid failings. Yeah… okay I’m done. Have fun. Go Vote! It matters so much more than you realize. Vote smart too. Don’t vote blind, you’ll end up feeling like me … well maybe not but I feel odd about all this. I can’t quite put my finger on it but … meh. Too tired to think much more. Good night.