5 AM?!

::sigh:: It’s almost 5 am … I’m still awake … damn it. Stupid Samurai Champloo. Oh well.

I had an odd thought today. What if … what it I really don’t like art? What if I don’t really enjoy making it. What if I picked it because it was less troublesome than Computer Science? [::shudder:: So …. much math …. ::shudder::] I mean seriously … I am more excited about other people doing art than I am about myself doing art. I guess I am still not sure what the point of my doing art is. I mean if I were to stop … would it really make a difference. Would anyone besides the people who know I ever did it, even notice that I ever held a pencil for something other than taking memos? Would they even care? Would I even care? Am I being down on myself … eh … maybe. But that doesn’t make this an invalid line of questioning.

Do any of us actually know … well no … thats me being an egotistical ass, thinking that the world is anything like me. Life path … destiny … the future … what ever. It’s always out there … it’s never here or now. It is like a dangling carrot … ever out of reach. Yeah yeah … shoot for the moon … you’ll always end up among the stars … yadda yadda. I donno. Maybe I’m just putting things off again. It’s a bad habit of mine … get excited leap into the air only to turn around and land back on the platform I just left, like Samus or Mario or Sonic or MegaMan. Or in my case Mega Dork. I can’t move forward … and the screen has shifted so I couldn’t go backward if I tried.

I donno what I’m saying … I’m just running off at the mouth. Don’t mind me. Stupid 5 am ranting. Blah.

5 thoughts on “5 AM?!”

  1. Is art for everyone else, or is it for you? Is it so people can feel what you are feeling, or is it so you can express yourself to other people? Or something else all together?

    (Besides if you didn’t go with art over everything else you wouldn’t have had the art classes to meet Elaine, so there ;P)

  2. True. Art … and the pursuit of art has been good to me. ::sigh:: She’s sooooooooo dreamy … ::sigh::

    *ahem* but I guess I’m just scared. When faced with the challenge of making an actual living off of artistic works that I do … I falter. I have this book titled Art and Fear. In the first chapter it says something rather scary. It says that I should be preapared to make art alone. A-L-O-N-E. That’s not my idea of a good time. I don’t want to be famous, I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted that, but I’d like to be known among my peers.

    I know … thats kinda a bulls**t statement coming from a guy who’s said that he wished he was invisible … but still if I could be quietly solid … that’d be fine by me. Plus once you put yourself out there … there’s no going back.

    Well now I’m just talking in … err typing in circles.

    I know it will work out I just have to:
    let it go
    let it go
    let it go
    let it go
    Which I’m not much good at. Altough I am getting help in unexpected ways. And she’s pretty. ^_^

  3. Well, you have got her, so you won’t do your art alone. And although i can’t promise your peers will recognize and appreciate what you have done – your friends will (::cheesey grin that inplies that it includes me::).

    So you can let it go, you can fear not , and you can smile and know that people love you and appreciate you -art, no art or something in between.

    ppsst The Creator of Everything’s got your back 🙂

  4. Funny you should say that … just tonight Elaine and I read chapter 2 of The Purpose Driven Life which is titled, “You’re not an Accident”. Seems that someone is trying to get my attention. ^_-

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